Reading this book gave me clarity. What I like most is how it made me question myself. A LOT. I picked it up when I was at my lowest, having been laid off from work. I needed help fine-tuning my emotions before they caused real harm to my life.
About Big Feelings
"Big Feelings” by Liz Fosslien and Mollie West Duffy is a thought-provoking exploration of the complex emotions that shape our lives. In this review, we'll delve into how the book addresses uncertainty, comparison, and anger, providing practical advice and personal insights that make navigating these emotions more manageable.
Big Feelings explores various emotions, how they affect us, and how we can work through them, including:
Uncertainty
Comparison
Anger
Burnout
Perfectionism
Despair
Regret
Note: This book review will be published in two parts, containing my personal thoughts after reading the book. Many excerpts from the book will be also shared. For a quick overview, key takeaways from this section are listed at the end of this newsletter. Just scroll to the bottom to find them.
In this first part, I will cover the emotions of “Uncertainty, Comparison, and Anger.”
Uncertainty
What is uncertainty? When do you feel uncertain?
Uncertainty arises when we don’t know what’s going to happen and can’t predict or anticipate. This often leads to anxiety. The book explains how we perceive problems and magnify them, leading us into a spiral of uncertainty.
Illustration: Actual magnitude of the problem and how anxiety magnifies it. (referencing from the book’s original illustration)
Working through Uncertainty and Anxiety
I experienced this after my recent layoff, constantly worrying about prolonged unemployment. Big Feelings provide valuable insights and approaches to handle these emotions. For example, the book suggests sitting with the uncertainty and facing it rather than avoiding it. It also recommends techniques like deep breathing, guided meditation, and journaling to manage the anxiety that accompanies uncertainty.
I particularly resonated with the idea from Big Feelings that, strong emotions, including anxiety, typically last around ninety seconds. Knowing this helped me ground myself during moments of heightened stress. Instead of letting these feelings overwhelm me, I learned to acknowledge them and let them pass.
Our emotions often stem from how we interpret our experiences. By shifting our perspective on negative situations, we can better manage feelings of uncertainty and anxiety. Here’s how reframing can make a difference:
Instead of thinking, “I feel so lonely; I shouldn’t have moved,” try rephrasing it as, “I’m adapting to a new city and growing from this experience.”
Change, “I look so awkward; I shouldn’t have worn this outfit,” to, “I’m building my self-confidence and learning to embrace my unique style.”
When you think, “I don’t know enough to manage people; I can’t do this,” consider, “I’m developing my skills to become a better manager.”
If you feel overwhelmed with, “I’m a nervous wreck,” reframe it as, “I’m learning to navigate and manage my emotions more effectively.”
By actively changing how we view these situations, we can reduce the negative impact they have on us and foster a more positive mindset.
Self-Question for Clarity
When talking to someone isn’t an option, asking yourself specific questions can help you gain clarity and manage feelings of uncertainty and anxiety. Consider these questions:
What specific fears are driving my anxiety?
What outcomes am I imagining, and how realistic are they?
What is the most positive outcome I can foresee?
What is the most likely scenario based on my current situation?
These questions help you confront your fears directly and assess them rationally. This self-inquiry can be a powerful tool for understanding and alleviating your anxieties.
Summary: No one can predict or plan for the future perfectly. Face your fears and stressors, create a plan to address those within your control, and let go of those outside your control. Uncertainty and anxiety reside in everyone, so aim to build a lifestyle that complements your tolerance towards them.
Comparison
Do you often compare yourself with others on career growth, lifestyle, or even behaviors? Have you ever wondered why we compare?
It’s all about self-esteem and self-worth. Many people compare themselves with others to assess their self-worth. Research shows that we tend to compare our weaknesses with others’ strengths. Even writers often compare themselves with others regarding their ability to write, garner subscribers, or receive recognition.
Illustration: How self-esteem can be affected when comparing with others. (referencing from the book’s original illustration)
Pointed out by Big Feelings, Comparison is closely associated with envy. You may be considering to shut off from the world by deactivating all your social media accounts. That might reduce the urge to compare, but humans naturally compare. Whether in a buzzing city or a secluded forest, you’ll find something to compare. As the saying goes, “Habits never die.”
Most people only post the positive aspects of their lives. What about the pain and suffering they went through before revealing their successes?
Is comparison, encompassing envy, a bad feeling after all? After reading this chapter from the book, I discovered that envy isn’t necessarily bad if it doesn’t turn malicious and you are aware of it. Self-awareness can turn envy into something useful.
Dealing with comparison and envy can be challenging, but there are effective strategies to manage these feelings. Here are some of my personal favorites inspired by Big Feelings:
Reflect on Envy: When you feel envy, it’s helpful to ask yourself some probing questions:
What is it about this person that makes me feel inadequate?
What do I think I’m missing in my life that they seem to have?
Do I truly want what they have, or is it just a fleeting desire?
If I do want it, is it worth the effort to pursue it?
Recognize what you don't envy in others.
After answering these questions, channel your envy into constructive actions and strategies.
Avoid Malicious Envy: It’s crucial to prevent envy from turning into resentment. For instance, if a colleague gets promoted and you feel it should have been you, resist the urge to spread negative rumors. Instead, focus on your own growth and opportunities.
Positive Reframing: Use empowering phrases to shift your mindset:
“I’m inspired by _____. Maybe I can learn from them or ask them to be my mentor.”
“I haven’t achieved what they have . . . yet.”
“Everyone has their own path. I’m grateful for mine.”
Limit Exposure to Comparison Triggers: When you’re feeling down, it’s wise to steer clear of platforms and activities that trigger comparisons, such as social media or browsing updates from friends with seemingly better achievements. Instead, focus on your own journey and milestones.
Summary: Staying away from social media when feeling down helps, but deleting it won’t cure comparison thoughts. Instead, use envy from comparison to pinpoint what you value and plan how to move forward. Reflect on your progress and celebrate your achievements. A good practice is to write down your achievements progressively, so you remember and celebrate them when you feel down.
Anger
Anger is a natural reaction to feeling threatened, frustrated, or wronged. It can range from mild irritation to intense fury and involves physiological changes like faster heartbeat and a surge of adrenaline. While anger can sometimes inspire positive action, it can also lead to aggressive behavior and strained relationships if not properly managed.
It is closely tied to pain, often acting as a shield for deeper emotional hurt.
Illustration: Anger as Pain’s Protector (referencing from the book’s original illustration)
During the COVID-19 pandemic, I suffered from severe ankle pain and 90% foot numbness for two months, which significantly affected my daily life and severely limited my ability to work out or exercise. This ongoing struggle led to considerable frustration and a buildup of anger, signaling that something was wrong. Suppressing anger does not help either. Often, the more we suppress anger and pain, the more they grow into stronger emotions, like resentment or hate. By identifying the source of your frustration and angry and deciding on the next steps, you may eventually place yourself in a much happier state.
To tackle my anger and frustration about my condition, I sought professional medical help and received a treatment plan to manage and alleviate the pain. Through physiotherapy sessions, specific exercise plans, and modifications to my workout routine as advised by doctors and physiotherapists, I nearly fully recovered after a year.
To deal with anger, you first need to identify what triggers it. Here are some common anger triggers highlighted in the book:
Feeling unheard
Perceived unfairness in decisions
Being in an anxious state
Being told to calm down
Being interrupted midsentence
Someone acting without your permission
Being told to do something just as you're about to do it
Here’s an illustration of an anger trigger that often gets to me:
Illustration: When one comment causes an emotional explosion (referencing from the book’s original illustration)
As mentioned in Big Feelings, anger must be addressed, otherwise, it becomes damaging. When anger arises, calm yourself down first before making any further move. Some helpful questions from the book to ask yourself when you find yourself fuming are:
What triggered my anger?
What led up to this moment?
What feelings are underneath my anger?
What do I need to be okay right now?
What longer-term outcome would make me feel better?
What steps can I take toward that outcome?
For each of those steps, what do I risk and what do I gain?
In my experience, when you're boiling with anger, you might not think that deeply right away. Start with the initial questions to understand your anger and feelings.
People often say or do the wrong thing in the heat of the moment, especially when filled with anger and pain. Then, regret kicks in (I’ll talk about regret in the next newsletter). So, before letting anger take over, it’s best to communicate your anger with the following questions recommended in the book:
What is my goal?
What can I say to achieve that goal?
How should I say it?
When should I say it?
Taking a moment to reflect on these questions can help you express your feelings more constructively and avoid unnecessary regret.
Summary: Everyone has the permission to be angry. There’s nothing wrong with feeling angry. However, take some time to calm down, reflect on what made you upset, and figure out how to address your needs. I particularly like this sentence from Big Feelings: “Use anger as fuel to drive change or spark creativity.”
Here’s a concise summary of the key takeaways from each section of the book to help you quickly grasp the main points.
Key Takeaways:
Uncertainty and Anxiety
The future is unpredictable; you can't plan for everything.
Confront your anxieties by identifying and articulating your specific fears or stressors.
Distinguish between what you can control and what you can't.
For things within your control, make a flexible plan.
For things beyond your control, practice letting go through mindfulness or distractions.
Boost your confidence by reflecting on past instances where you’ve been resourceful.
Develop a lifestyle that aligns with your tolerance for uncertainty.
Comparison and Envy
Simply deleting social media won't eliminate comparison issues.
Use feelings of envy to identify what you truly value.
Once identified, make a plan to achieve your goals.
Avoid places or activities that fuel comparisons when you’re feeling low.
Remember, you’re often only seeing others' highlights, not their full story.
Set broader benchmarks and compare yourself on detailed aspects.
Reflect on your own progress and celebrate how far you’ve come.
Anger
Anger is a natural warning signal; pay attention to what it's trying to tell you.
Be aware that biases and stereotypes can affect how anger is perceived.
Identify your anger triggers to prevent future outbursts.
Understand your style of expressing anger to improve communication.
Allow yourself to feel upset, then identify the needs driving your emotions.
Address your needs directly or find alternative ways to meet them.
Channel your anger into driving positive change or sparking creativity.
Conclusion
Review Ratings: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
In this first part of our review of Big Feelings, we explored the emotions of uncertainty, comparison, and anger, drawing on my personal experiences and the insightful guidance of Liz Fosslien and Mollie West Duffy. These emotions, though challenging, are a natural part of our lives, and understanding how to navigate them can lead to greater emotional resilience.
Big Feelings offers practical tools and relatable anecdotes that help us make sense of these intense emotions. The authors' approachable style and thoughtful advice make this book a valuable resource for anyone looking to improve their emotional well-being.
I encourage you to reflect on the approaches discussed and consider how they might apply to your own life. What strategies have you found helpful in managing uncertainty, comparison, and anger? I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences.
Stay tuned for the next post, where we’ll dive into the emotions of Burnout, Perfectionism, Despair, and Regret. Until then, feel free to share your thoughts and engage in the conversation below.
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